answering questions about afterlife

[Hollie Regalo]

Lately my 4-year-old has been very concerned about dying. We've had lots of talks with him, and finally figured out that he wants to know what will happen to him after death. Neither my husband nor I believe in an afterlife, but since he was getting anxious and teary we finally offered him the option of heaven (in the context of "no one knows for sure, but some people think X, and other people believe Y, and you can believe whatever makes you feel better"). He also wanted to know how to make sure he goes to heaven, and we said that leading a good, kind life helps.

We thought that was the end of it, but the next day he asked the follow-up: "What if I'm not good? What about bad guys, where do they go?" Ugh!

Anyone else dealt with this? Ideas??

Mulling over this issue has caused me to think that perhaps a reason we as a faith have trouble hanging on to youth is because our faith is essentially geared toward adults. Children need concrete ideas, and I'm finding it extremely difficult to be honest about my atheism/religious humanism while still giving my son the option of holding other beliefs. He wants to be told "This is truth, this is what to believe," and my only model for doing that is the conservative Christian denomination that I was brought up in. Any thoughts?

[jilla]

This is a tough question. It reminds me about one of my 4 year old nephew's questions at his sister's funeral -- she was 7. My nephew asked, "is it dark in there?" at the graveside service. One of my nephews (twins -- and 4 at the time) would not go into the funeral, so I sat with him while he played with a toy car. My sister and I talked many times about how to deal with questions. Being as honest as you can be -- and only answering what they ask is how she handled this. I think your answer, some people think x and some y, but we don't know makes sense. I also think that kids just want to know that they are safe and will be okay. So, that may be something to add to the discussion -- that he does not need to worry. This probably does not help at all!!

[Elroy Sullivan]

Wow, it's great to see some discussions take off. Hollie, your comments about the afterlife hit a real chord with me as well. Let me preface all of this with the obvious comment that what I'm about to say is just my opinion.

If you think about it, I don't think your comment that "Neither my husband nor I believe in an afterlife" can be quite right. Now, wait a minute before you react. The way you said it, I don't believe in the afterlife either, but I actually DO believe in the afterlife. I don't believe in a spirit that is somehow separate from my body that goes to heaven or hell when I die. I DO believe that my body is all there is. I believe that life is the universe trying to understand itself. The dust of stars somehow makes suns, comets, asteroids, and planets. On some of these planets, life is compelled to emerge toward the inevitable development of consciousness and self-awareness. Well, you get the idea, but this is the before-life question and not the after-life question.

When we die, we get back a little closer to the stardust from which we came. But wait, this stardust is marvelous. It's full of quarks and busons, and all kinds of energies and dimensions which we are just beginning to understand. Sometimes I think that life, as we know it, may just be a set of blinders, artificially creating individuality and limits on what we can experience. And when we die, we merge back into the awareness of the entire universe.

Through other discussions, I've been convinced that this stardust idea opens up the possibility of such things as reincarnation or other similar possibility. What if part of the quantum energy of which we are made has a certain degree of viscosity to it, and clumps around in one place? It might emerge as another life-form fairly intact. Just an idea. I do fully believe that, when we die, it truly opens up the possibility of becoming flowers, redwood trees, and polar bears, just from the distribution of our stardust stuff. That's why I want to be cremated, with my ashes scattered.

Let me move on. You brought up the Good/Bad, getting into heaven thing. I've always told my kids that getting into heaven is not what it's about. It's more about trying to be whatever part we can in building a good life and a good Earth while we ARE ALIVE. We must take care of the Earth, teaching others to do so by mentoring and example. We must take care of our friends and social relations, trying our best to work toward peace-on-Earth. We must see each and every day as a blessing and an opportunity, even if these gifts are "only" from the stardust (and I am uncomfortable with the "only," as I think stardust is an extremely spiritual thing).

I also like what Jilla said. I think we have to be honest with our children about these things. Maybe this is why I have worked so hard on putting a positive and exciting spin on coming from (and returning to) stardust. But I have certainly come to fully believe in the excitement of stardust. Jilla also said that "some people think x and others think y." I think it's important to point this out. This is the education process in a nutshell. If gives our children PERMISSION to think that things may be differently that what a lot of other people say.

Well, I've written a lot. I'll sign off now. I look forward to hearing responses.

[Rychi]

Elroy,
I always loving hearing your point of view on life.

[Hollie Regalo]

Thanks so much for the thoughtful responses. I wasn't absent on purpose, just couldn't remember to get back here to continue the conversation (unless I was in the middle of something else like rocking the baby).

Yes, we do a whole lot of "some people do/believe this, others do/believe that; I really like X idea or think Y is neat; many people will tell you that you have to believe A or that C is true, but you can believe whatever you want as long as you lead a good life." My son is extremely inquisitive and will beat a dead horse most enthusiastically if he thinks there's something else to know! It gets tough sometimes because he wants to know more than he can truly understand. He's also HUGE into superheroes and good guys/bad guys; everything has to fall into that dichotomy.

Elroy, I like that concept. I'm not sure that would work for my son right now, but as he gets older I'll introduce it. I'm hoping this fixation on heaven is just a phase; the other day he wanted me to tell him exactly what heaven looked like! It was interesting to brainstorm with him. He most definitely wants there to be something tangible and concrete.

Thanks again for the input!

[sara]

My children are older now (12 and 13), but we've been through this too. Like Hollie, I presented various belief systems to my children including heaven, reincarnation, nirvana, matter is never created or destroyed-merely change in form, etc. We did not introduce the idea of hell until much later than 4. We also avoided any discussion of good deeds or "being saved" as prerequisites for heaven until much later.

Versions of the after life would be a fantastic topic for RE. Age appropriate curriculum could be prepared for preschool children through adults. By the way, the Universalists in Unitarian Universalists believed that EVERYONE goes to heaven.

There is a very interesting book called Life Before Life about children who remember their previous lives. I tend to be a skeptic, but this book is fascinating. The stories were compiled by researchers at the University of Virginia and had to include corroborating physical evidence. I read selections from the book to my children as bedtime stories years ago. (Not all were appropriate for children.) Four might be a little young, but you could take a look at this book. It's available at Linebaugh Library.